All You've Ever Wanted
by Lilith.Seraphim
Summary: Faced with Neal's impending marriage, Kel does something she never would have done.  As new discoveries come to light, she learns that maybe selfishness does pay off.  Even if it may take forever.  KelNeal angst.


Um…yeah. It was supposed to be a drabble, which then turned into a story. I meant for it to be forest-killing-tissue-usage angst overkill, except we must all preserve the environment (nod).

It's still sad, I guess. Make up your mind about the ending. I have my idea, but it's so nice when fanfics make you think, right?

Un-betaed (like the rest of my stuff). All mistakes are my fault.

----

It is raining outside.

Rapid drops of water are falling from the sky as tears are from her face. Wiping them away with a hint of annoyance, she willed herself to stop. Her best friend is getting married, regardless of what should have, or could have been.

They are past regrets now.

It doesn't matter that they have been best friends for a decade. Their friendship, or any other form of relationship that may have existed between them, is over. 'It was over when I fell in love with him as a page,' Kel mused bitterly. How foolish of her to think that it could pass so easily, and leaving nothing changed? She had always held a sort of soft spot for him, his green eyes, and his cynicism.

This is how it ended, for her at least. But for him? Fairly recent. Two hours after Raoul and Buri said their "I do"s, to be exact. Outside the west wall of Fort Steadfast, under a starry autumn sky. This is where she admitted her feelings to him, after pulling him away from the joyous crowds and festive music.

The night held its own music. The chirping of cicadas, hooting of owls, howls of wolves, and scurrying of rodents on the newly fallen leaves. Here, the incessant chatter of the noisy crowd was the ambient noise. The fantastical nocturne of the forest accompanied their conversation until it ended, the lonely woman left behind.

'I love you.' A whisper, perhaps not even that.

"Why say this to me now?" He growled after the initial shock had passed, "I'm supposed to be married soon…and you say this now."

His green eyes darkened and Kel found herself unable to say another word.

"Look, Kel, you've been a good friend to me and you still are, but the time for that sort of thing between us has passed and…"

_Changing anything now would be too complicated and difficult, _Kel thought as she watched the green eyes widen with the need to convince her, _and Neal would rather not deal with anything complicated._

"And, maybe you don't really feel that way, I mean, I've read about sudden protectiveness being spurned by sudden changes in circumstance and relationship and…what I'm saying is that, well, maybe that's what you're feeling. But I promise you, Kel, that I'll never forget about you and you'll always be my best friend. You won't lose me just because I married Yuki."

Someone _must_ be laughing at the irony…Kel would have if she wasn't so preoccupied with keeping her tears in check.

"Or is it something more than just…that and …I don't understand wh-why you're saying this now of all times but not before..."

_Because I'm a coward,_ Kel tried to push the words out but she was choking on them, chains upon chains of unspoken words wrapping around her throat, tightening, suffocating; in the very same way she was choking on her thoughts and her feelings for her best friend. _Because I was never sure. Because I thought I was over it. Because I didn't want to lose you, because I didn't think we had a chance because, Great Mother Goddess, I didn't want to die alone without you knowing that I love you._

But none of the words actually came out when they would mean the most; and at this most perfect of perfect chances, despite all the battles Kel had fought and won against her body, she lost.

"Don't be afraid of being alone, Kel. Dom loves you. He told me. He may be a bore sometimes but he will treat you very well."

Kel was too shocked to be incredulous.

"And…well, I love Yuki, Kel, but if it means so much to you we could postpone the wedding. She'll understand. She's a wonderful woman and if you need to talk to her or both of us, you're more than welcome to. Don't be a stranger, Kel. I don't want to lose my best friend."

And suddenly, she understood. She understood that for all this time, she had fallen in love with someone she didn't really know. That she had been waiting for a moment that never really existed and the "could-haves" weren't just missed chances, but actually "not-meant-to-be"s.

Putting a smile on her face, Kel contemplated her responses. She could always laugh it off, following up with a _"Really, Meathead. You really fell for that? I thought Dom was joking when he suggested it."_ But then she would have had to explain the whole thing to Domitan, which she would rather not do, considering there were social norms against confessing one's romantic feelings to one's betrothed's cousin.

She could always tell Neal that he heard wrong, that she actually said…

But what can replace "_I love you_" and explain the particularly long awkward silence that followed on her part?

_Well, guess I'd better spin it_. Kel thought. And looking at Neal in the eye (the green eyes she'd always associated with emeralds, with grass plains, with the forest in which they'd almost lost their lives when they were pages), she told him a boldfaced lie, even surprising herself at how little her voice cracked, at how good of a liar she was.

"No, Neal, you're taking it wrong. I admit that I was afraid that our friendship would change once you marry Yuki, but I meant that I love you in the way a friend loves a friend."

"Horse dung." Neal said, his eyes colder than Kel had ever seen before. There was a reason he is her best friend. Sometimes Kel wished he didn't know her so well, but surely, at this moment, he must have seen her need to pretend that everything will go back to the way it was. "You love me and not even remotely in the platonic sense."

"Yes," Kel seethed, the cool, collected mask slipping off. "Yes, I do. But what do you want to do about it, Neal? Considering that we're stuck in a rather delicate situation, why don't we just forget about it?" The last three words came out in a hiss in her effort to steady her voice. "You were more than ready to brush me off a moment before!"

"We could recite gods-cursed platitudes to each other all night long, Kel, and it wouldn't change anything. I'm all for forgiving and forgetting, but this too important to…"

"Forgiving? What are you saying Nealan? Should I be forgiven by you because I inconvenienced you with my words?" Kel knew she was being petty, but to have those many years of hoping and fantasizing come down to a disaster like this…

"No! That's not the point!" Neal shook his head, his temper rising, "We should not be…despite what I said…"

"What you said before or what you're saying now, Nealan? You don't feel anything for me other than _platonic friendship_, something you've been emphatically enforcing since we've begun this conversation…"

"Do you have any idea how hard it is," Neal grabbed Kel with a strength she'd never seen him use on a woman before, "to find out that just as you've _finally _consoled yourself to settle for second best, your best friend comes up to you and says, 'hey, maybe we should try courting, because I've suddenly developed a crush on you?'"

Kel vaguely remembered this as a plot to some romance scrolls her sisters had recited to hear when she was twelve. By following their plot, then the male and female main characters would kiss, declare their mutual love for each other and…well…Kel never paid attention to whatever followed. To her, reciprocated love was enough.

But this was real life, and fictional characters don't have obligations they have to fulfill, people they have to keep promises to. Reciprocated love looks good on paper, but is rarely enough when contrasted with the consequences. Kel learnt it the hard way with Cleon, and she was relearning it, with her best friend, who was hurting her in ways she'd never thought possible.

Kel didn't expect a kiss, with Neal near hysterics, fingers combing through his hair (_not so hard Neal_, she wanted to say, _you're going to pull it all out)_, knowing fully the difference between her and that un-real heroine.

So she reached forward and kissed him.

And it was nothing like how she thought it would be.

-----

"And was it enough?"

"No." She said, "I always wanted more."

"Me too."

"Can we…"

"Yes, Neal, I think we can."

Under the blood-red sun (_or maybe not, since everything looks blood-red now,_ one of them thought), on the very spot everything came to light a decade before, they reached out.

And, fingers entwined, they listened to the forest's refrain, thinking that maybe this time, they could have all that they've ever imagined.

-----

So there is my annual update. Don't hold your breath for the next one : P I think we all know how stupid I am about updating. If the story seems kinda cliché...well...I just needed to get it all out before I work on the fics I like more ...Plus, I know the format was weird, with the whole "present, past, future" thing. I hope I didn't confuse anyone...especially with my verb tenses -grimace-.

Oh! "...in the way a friend loves a friend" was totally stolen from Stargate Atlantis, where the two chracters there (as I'd like to think) totally got married in the first season and have been hiding it. XD

Thanks for reading!


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